What? It’s been about a month, right? Time to pour out some riveting drivel (wow, there’s an oxymoron for ya).

I’m still feeling unmotivated in a mind-numbing kind of way, though in the last few days I’ve felt the fog starting to lift some. I’m thankful that a 9 day (plus weekends!) vacation is on its way, and that I have a few events to look forward to this coming year to keep me chasing that proverbial carrot.

Yesterday a friend that I haven’t spent any alone time with lately stopped by my cube, and this launched into us attempting xmas shopping and getting margaritas together after work.  I both loved and hated that she asked if I had been, to use her adorable phrase, “crabby pants at [her].”  I loved it because it was something that was bothering her and she felt comfortable enough to actually ask me about it, but I hated it for precisely that same reason – I felt terrible that my own non-motivation, minor depression, troglodytism, inertia, whatever name you want to give it, had made her feel that something was wrong with our friendship.

One other thing I loved about this was that it increased the speed of my own eyes opening to my situation. I just keep to myself a lot. No big deal. I work, and laugh, and have conversations, but then I leave work, come home, talk to an animal, eat snacks, read books, send innumerable text messages, watch TV, etc.  But realizing that my indulging in this was negatively affecting someone who cares about me was kinda sucky.  And having someone who cares about you sit down next to you and look into your face and ask what’s up, they know you have highs and lows, and do you want to talk about it (and then actually LISTEN), is just a really nice feeling.  I don’t have many people that do that. I am also quite guarded with most people, which could be part of my problem.  I’ve learned it’s easier not to get hurt or betrayed that way.   I trudge through most days assuming that I am not really affecting anyone’s life but my own (which of course sends me spiraling further into despair some of those days), but that is apparently not the case.

I figure that not many people want to hear about how I feel overwhelmed at work but don’t know how or to whom to delegate things (partially because there really isn’t anyone, partially because I don’t LOVE every aspect of my job (who does, I guess) and partially because I know I need to suck it up but, well, sometimes sucking it up SUCKS).  Or how that overwhelming feeling sometimes causes mental paralysis for me, because there is so much to do that I don’t even know where to start, so I end up sitting on my hands because I don’t want to open Pandora’s Box of shit on myself.  Of course, inevitably my inaction creates more shitpiles.  That said, I have a mental list and just in the last few days have finally started to get it down onto paper, which makes a workable plan, which enables me to start moving again.

I think I’ve been in the middle of a logjam of sorts, but it feels like things are dislodging, the ice floes are breaking up, and hopefully things will start flowing again soon. I have a number of items on my list with check marks next to them, and a number of other things I know I can complete. I have  a lot of that mental list on paper and specific things assigned to specific days; deadlines created only by me at this point, but that’s how it is and needs to be.

I will say that occasionally I come here just to read my “About Me” page. I really think it sums me up pretty well, and the “I Want” section is all truth. Those are the things I want and what I strive for (when I am striving).  I’m currently working toward financial security by holding myself to a budget to pay off all my debt in the next two years.  It’s a slow process, but I have already seen progress and that is inspiring.  Either at the start of the new year (not related to “New Year’s ReS0lutionZ!”), or once spring starts to break here, I will find somewhere to volunteer; somewhere to make a difference, however small, for someone who needs help.  I understand that for the most part the things in my “I Want” list have to happen in some kind of order, so I am trying to mobilize myself, my thoughts, and my life in the direction that I Want.  That way, when these opportunities and/or person(s)’ paths cross mine I will be able and ready to pick them up.

When my friend is ready to plan our 21-day hiking trip to Nepal, or work wants to send me to London, or I meet the perfect man (or realize that I already know him), or I’m debt-free with a pile of saved money and can move somewhere and do something more personally rewarding, or some other amazing things that I haven’t even thought of yet — I want to be ready to pounce.

I’m not a Christian. I think people assume that I am because they are (like, uh, my mom, not that she’s ever identified as anything in particular during my life, but something she said within the last year or so made me realize that she thinks “we” are Christians) but I am not.  My dad and I have regular conversations about spirituality and religion and higher beings and attitude and esoteric stuff, and he always has an emphasis on the Christianity and God part of it, and I always don’t.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Jesus was a great dude.  From what I know he sounded like a great guy who wanted everybody to love everybody no matter what, and especially if the person in question was less fortunate or wise than you are, and recommended that people follow common sense moral code.  I’m often called a commie pinko hippie – how could I not like that?!  His dad kinda sounds like he was a dick though, which would explain why everyone is so afraid of him and panders to Jesus.  Even a whipped dog  comes crawling back to the owner at dinner time. But I bet if that dog realized that they could get just as good or better food elsewhere, they’d high-tail it out of there without a second glance!

Anyway, I’m not here to bash organized religion, but rather to talk about where I’m at in my little journey (or maybe figure out where I’m at?).  I don’t really believe in organized religion.  My family was never into it, so I wasn’t raised in it, and I never really “got” it. I just remember always being alone on  Tuesday evenings when the rest of the neighbor kids (all Catholic) were at Catechism.  I remember Dad trying to get the family to go to church with him, and I think that occurred a grand total of two times, with all of us bitching and whining the entire time.

But somewhere along the way I’ve found a pull to a higher power of some sort. I’m drawn to nature, I’m drawn within, I’m drawn to silence, I’m drawn to the sound of the wind in the trees, the rush of flowing water, I’m even drawn to some things that we can only imagine that are no more real or fake than the stories in the Bible. I’m not saying my way is right and yours is wrong, just that it is right for me.  I’m not even wholly sure what “it” is yet that is right for me.

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I’m not sure what my deal is lately – I’m just not motivated to do work and I’m not entirely sure why that is. Maybe just because I am totally overwhelmed, and with the traffic-cop nature of my job I am not in control of a lot of what I do now. Granted, I love unpredictability in my every day work, but there are big things coming up lately that I can do little about other than put it into someone else’s hands and commiserate with the person reporting the issue. I’m realizing how far removed I am from the work that I used to do and that is still going on all around me though my eyes are closed to it; the work I knew like the back of my hand and loved. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled to have a job, and enjoy the job that I have most of the time, and I love the people that I work with; there are just aspects of it that I wish were different, and things that I miss. I rarely feel like I know enough to help effectively problem-solve, which used to be one of my really strong points, so that is kind of frustrating too.

I also think that if I had some sort of real outlet when I left work, it would make it easier for me to balance things and be motivated. Pretty much I work, come home and hang out with my dog, play Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, watch TV, and….oh right – that’s about it. My friends are all homebodies lately, or have other plans, which is fine and I understand. They are all paired off in one way or another (most live with their signifcant other, and my one single friend has a roommate now) and there just isn’t a lot of stuff going on for people to invite me to, I guess. When I do get together with people and they start to play the “What have you been up to?” game I have little to report and feel like a tool.

I should get started on some craft projects – that will keep me busy and productive and presumably happy. I have a pattern for a hat that I want to crochet, and also a pattern for a kitchen rug. How fun! But even the craft stuff I used to do all the time loses its excitement when I have no reason to do it.

It would even be nice to have someone to talk to when I get home; to cuddle with on the couch and watch a movie; to make dinner for/with. My dog is wonderful but he is not the best conversationalist, I gotta tell you. It gets lonely sometimes.

What do I need to make me happy? I’m not entirely sure. I guess I’m still working to figure that out. I’m getting tired so I’m not going to explore that right now; it’s time for cuddling with the puppy and sleeping.

I just got back from an all-girl craft weekend. I know it’s hard to imagine me in a house with 17 other women without killing myself (or anyone else), but it can happen. It’s made even more fun by delicious food and perverted jokes.

Also, we always go out on Saturday to the scrapbook shop, gift shop, and last year we went to a quilt shop that inspired me to make a flannel patchwork quilt. Uhhh, someday.

This trip reminded me yet again that I want to live in the country someday; when the romantic in me finds her best friend and they build a life of love and partnership. They will wake and rest with the sun, work with their hands, pass their time with nature.

At the gift shop yesterday I found this painting (or print, or whatever) and it is now up in my entryway, the first thing I see when I walk into my apartment. A subtle reminder, if you will.

A reminder of Someday.

I just really wanted to see if I can post from Opera on my phone. It would seem that I can! Huzzah!
Uh, though I just noticed that it only gives me the 160 char limit of a text msg, and that’s dumb.

It’s often said that change is the only constant.  It is but it isn’t, actually.  We continually do “new things” but for someone who can see through the bullshit these “new things” are often “old things” wearing a new outfit.

That said, some things are actively changing right now. The composition of the team for which I work, and undoubtedly our individual functions. This interests and excites me. I’m curious how I can get my hand in this and how I can influence what happens.  Should be fun.

The weather is much more crisp and cool than it was just two weeks ago. It was like over a weekend we dropped 20 degrees off of our daily high. Me? I don’t mind it at all. It’s really odd, but I get bored if it’s warm and sunny too long, I don’t like being hot and uncomfortable, etc.  Fall is my favorite season, so I welcome the comfortable days and cool nights, the rain, the cloudy days, the changing colors, the crunch of leaves underfoot, the chubby squirrels.

I guess I’m just one of those people who enjoys things in flux. Not constantly in flux, mind you, but not NEVER in flux either.  No change = stagnation, in my opinion.  And most times, something changing means that we/you/I have the opportunity to come out better on the other side.

Wow, this just was really going to be an “I love fall in the midwest” post and has gotten much more philosophical than I anticipated.  Oh well.

Off to work!

I really hate it when people say something that is untrue just so they will look less stupid. Just be humble and own up to your errors, people. Are we adults or not? Do you really think it’s going to affect our work relationship if I know you made a mistake? No, it is not. I have no choice but to work with you and your wounded pride is not a factor for me.

This person was driving me bonkers yesterday as it is, but then this morning I get an email stating that they did not receive something I sent to them yesterday (which is where the bonkers-driving was originally derived from).  I re-forward it, saying “Weird, I wonder why it didn’t go. Well let me know if you have any questions.”  The person e-mails back, saying “I tried to recall it. Sorry.”  So why not just say that to begin with?  Why not just say “Hey I accidentally deleted the thing you sent and I can’t get it back, could you re-forward it?”  No, instead you try to blame it on the system so you somehow don’t have to take the blame for it, when really there is no assignment of blame necessary.

I know this is the smallest and least important thing in the history of things, but it just annoys me.  Yesterday I sent out something that was completely not right, and I sent it to no less than ten people, including my boss.  Know what I did? Rescinded it with a message saying “Hey, sorry, that other document had the wrong dates on it. I wanted to be sure you had the right ones, so here.” (*throws glitter at them*)

One small key to contentment and happiness is to stop trying to be something or someone you’re not. Even something as small and ridiculous as this can pile up every time you do it, and leave you feeling incomplete or inauthentic. Own your actions, people. They may be imperfect, or sometimes wrong, or sometimes stupid, but they are part of you, and every time you deny a part of yourself you become a little less whole.

Are you dying to know where I got such a beautiful, mournful, and romantic domain name?  I’m certainly not creative enough to have come up with it on my own, but I am creative enough to pull it out of a complex musical composition and make something out of it. Hopefully. Jeff Tweedy’s the fucking mastermind behind it; I just have an intense appreciate for his writing.

Cracked door moon was my #2 option (gorgeous and alone was #3, from Wilco’s song “Impossible Germany”), but veils and starlight clearly won out. The imagery is rather different; cracked door moon, to me, implies just a small static sliver of a visual or idea, while veils and starlight implied a more mysterious and romantic series of ideas that one might not quite be sure what they are seeing but piques curiosity.

I just love the wailing guitar in this song. LOVE.

Lyrics are below the video.

I dreamed about killing you again last night
And it felt alright to me
Dying on the banks of Embarcadero skies
I sat and watched you bleed

Buried you alive in a fireworks display
Raining down on me
Your cold, hot blood
Ran away from me to the sea

I printed my name on the back of a leaf
And I watched it float away
The hope I had in a notebook full of white dry pages
Was all I tried to save

But the wind blew me back via Chicago
In the middle of the night
And not without fight
At the crush of veils and starlight

I know I’ll make it back
One of these days
And turn on your TV
To watch a man with a face like mine
Being chased down a busy street

When he gets caught, I won’t get up
And I won’t go to sleep
I’m coming home
I’m coming home
Via Chicago

Where the cups are cracked and hooked
Above the sink
They make me think
Crumbling ladder tears don’t fall
They shine down your shoulders

And crawling is screw faster lash
I blow it with kisses
I rest my head on a pillowy star
And a cracked-door moon
That says I haven’t gone too far

I’m coming home x3
Via Chicago

Coming home x 3

Searching for a home x3
Via Chicago

It’s been a while since I properly blogged.  I’m not gonna lie, I always envied those who were able to pour their feelings out onto the internet, who have stirring commentaries on personal and social events, and who appear to have more interesting lives than mine.   What I tend to forget is that many people who are out here reading and writing are doing so because the lives of complete strangers (or complete friends) are interesting to them as well.

So why not come back out and try my hand at this?  I’ve ditched the old domain name, the old hosting, and the old persona (whatever that was).  I have a new name that better reflects where my head’s at, cheaper hosting since my bff is hosting it on her already-existing account, and I’m going to do my damnedest to blog here somewhat regularly; to remember and relive what it was like in my beginning days of online diary-writing.

My first online diary/blog posts ranged from social commentary to monotonous retellings of my work or family life to arguments to dreams to spontaneous and inspiring creative pieces.  I hope for this new venture to be much the same, yet different as I am now ten years older and probably wiser than that time span might indicate.

It’s been a while, so there is some rust to wipe off and kinks to work out, but I plan to be back…this time sooner rather than later.