I am here to report that I am pretty much in the same position that I was when I last wrote. I wanted to say I am frustrated, or embarrassed, but really, I just am. Getting let go from a company after 16 years is a big shock to the system. An abrupt change in daily schedule and activities and contacts kinda messes with you. I took the first month and just chilled, made lists, did some things, didn’t do others, watched 47 out of 100 episodes of 30 Rock that are on Netflix.
“We’re here to tell you that your position is being eliminated.”
Yep, that’s how that happened, after an hours-long wait for a meeting whose outcome I already knew. Tap-dancing around the subject with people in my office who may or may not know what was going on, and me not wanting to draw unnecessary attention to myself. I knew what it was – I had started to tell myself stories about what it MIGHT BE, but I remembered how things went down last time and honestly I knew better. So I cleaned out my email inbox, ate lunch, told jokes, signed up for a resume class, looked at funny cat pictures on the internet, and at 3pm went into a room with a woman I’ve known for the last 10 years as a coworker, friend, and then boss – along with a stranger from the HR department. Continue Reading »
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It’s been an exciting few months here. Right? Things have been busy at least, which gives the illusion of being exciting. Yet I still seem to have hit that wall in November/December, a wall I recognize. I know its grooves and stains and colors well. I can trace its shapes in my mind without even laying a hand on it. Continue Reading »
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I don’t know why it is that I rarely come here. I really don’t.
Things have gotten exciting over the last few months. In June I found out my ex-husband and his girlfriend were moving into my apartment building. In July, I decided that I was moving out and found a new place. In August I volunteered to pay all kinds of fees to get out of my lease, and shortly thereafter they leased my place to a new person (which saved me $2200). Now I am free and clear, in a better place (both literally and figuratively) and am just waiting for my deposit refund check.
Is it weird that I can hardly believe I was married? It feels like a very distant, hazy dream, or a story that someone else told me. It’s so weird that I was ever there, and even weirder to me that it didn’t work. I never imagined it would go the way it did.
When I found out they were moving in I started to get agitated. That was my signal that this was not a healthy thing for me and I was not “ok with it” like I thought I was initially. I also started really desiring a companion, someone more than just the friends I see periodically to catch up with over happy hour or a lingering dinner. I was wanting someone to sit silently next to on the couch and read, who knows how I take my coffee, to go for a walk with after work and hold hands and talk about…whatever people talk about, someone to cuddle with as the morning sun came in the window. I want someone to know (or care!) that I made it home at night.
I wondered if old wounds had opened up and I was just trying to correct phantom emotions in the face of my shitty former relationship. Or maybe I was just watching too much Doctor Who.
It turns out that neither is the case. I’ve had a few experiences over the last few months (as recently as two days ago) that have left me thinking “Yeah, I could really do this.” I could “do” a mature, fun, loving partnership. I’ll get into those later. Perhaps.
I had found a person or two over the last few years who made me think this, but I’m starting to truly understand and accept that those were impulsive and temporary loves, no matter how intense, and that the want for a partnership has to come from within me, not from someone else. I loved how they made me feel and how the world disappeared. I loved the idea of them, of us. Sometimes there is a person who comes along and jolts you out of your shell, shakes the foundation of everything you’ve ever known about yourself, love, the world, people.
They wake you up, remind you what you wanted back when you were free to dream; they make you feel alive and beautiful and amazing and perfect and interesting, they teach you things about yourself that you never ever knew. And in return, your job is to learn from them, to grow, to laugh and love, and sometimes to let them go.
I am reading a book called “Women Who Run With The Wolves” and it is about embracing the wild woman archetype – described in part as the instincts and intuition that women are born with but are conditioned through our culture to squash and hide and not trust. There is a chapter in the book about finding your tribe, your people. In it the author discusses how when women push this part of themselves away they can end up cold and frozen, even seeing this coldness as a positive thing even though it’s not, but that it’s important to know that the first person who comes along and “un-freezes” you is not necessarily the “tribe” you are seeking and need. When I read that everything clicked.
You can love someone with all of your heart and soul; you can have a connection with them, share interests, laugh, cry, give gifts, tell stories, comfort and care for each other, make love with them. But sometimes, just sometimes, they are there only to wake you and open you up. And you know this inside. Whether or not you admit it to yourself, you know it. And once you consciously become aware of it, there is no un-knowing it. When this happens, you are on the cusp of something new and different, because you cannot go on as you were. You are no longer ignorant. Your shell is cracked and light is coming in, like it or not, and your best bet is to poke through those cracks and let the light of the new day in.
You can ignore that light, but it won’t ignore you. Ignoring it will continue to give you what you’ve been getting, and eventually your shell will be cracked fully open anyway whether you are prepared or not. Opening yourself to that new day voluntarily opens you up to new adventures, awareness, stronger loves, richer lives, greater lessons – all of which is why we came here in the first place.
I’m just about ready. Are you?
Posted in Life, Observations | 2 Comments »
What did I create on this site for tags or categories? I don’t know. Maybe if I wrote here more, or had more than like one reader, it would matter more. For now, meh.
It feels really good to have a goal. It’s still lofty and kind of far off, but attainable and feels right. I haven’t had such a clear vision of wanting something and being willing to go after it before. I like it!
Oh, I haven’t written here about that yet, huh. A little over a week ago, I attended the first of what I expect to be many classes on the subject of healing practices. This class specifically was about healing done with light or no touch, using your own energy field in conjunction with the energy field of the client, to help them to heal themselves. We also learned about the chakras, which was fun because I didn’t know a lot of details about them beforehand. We worked with other people in the class, learned techniques and process, and gosh it just felt like home to me, like I’d done this before and could pick it right up with no problem.
I am interested in ultimately making this my career, or at least a hefty part of it. It fits in with what my [vague] goal has been my entire life, since before I had language to be really specific. ‘How’ this will come about I don’t know yet, but at this particular moment I will not worry about that and will leave it in someone else’s hands while I get ready. 
Posted in Life | Tagged Life | Leave a Comment »
Hi there, old friend. I’ve not been here to wax poetic for quite some time; I’m sorry to have neglected you. I’ve been caught up in trivial things in my daily life and post privately elsewhere about them. It’s not something fit for you or for public view anyway; those thoughts are dark and largely unproductive.
I was thinking of writing a series of “Dear Everyone” letters, but I don’t feel a need for that right now. What I feel a need for is a Dear Me letter. Sometimes I wish someone would write one for me, because I know there are lots of things I forget or do not see that someone else close to me remembers and sees, but I’m not 100% certain I could handle the raw honesty that I know that would entail.
Maybe I will come back later today and write one for myself. Or maybe I will update on how I am working toward my goals, and how some of them have changed slightly. Definitely something, to get writing again.
Until then, <3
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What? It’s been about a month, right? Time to pour out some riveting drivel (wow, there’s an oxymoron for ya).
I’m still feeling unmotivated in a mind-numbing kind of way, though in the last few days I’ve felt the fog starting to lift some. I’m thankful that a 9 day (plus weekends!) vacation is on its way, and that I have a few events to look forward to this coming year to keep me chasing that proverbial carrot.
Yesterday a friend that I haven’t spent any alone time with lately stopped by my cube, and this launched into us attempting xmas shopping and getting margaritas together after work. I both loved and hated that she asked if I had been, to use her adorable phrase, “crabby pants at [her].” I loved it because it was something that was bothering her and she felt comfortable enough to actually ask me about it, but I hated it for precisely that same reason – I felt terrible that my own non-motivation, minor depression, troglodytism, inertia, whatever name you want to give it, had made her feel that something was wrong with our friendship.
One other thing I loved about this was that it increased the speed of my own eyes opening to my situation. I just keep to myself a lot. No big deal. I work, and laugh, and have conversations, but then I leave work, come home, talk to an animal, eat snacks, read books, send innumerable text messages, watch TV, etc. But realizing that my indulging in this was negatively affecting someone who cares about me was kinda sucky. And having someone who cares about you sit down next to you and look into your face and ask what’s up, they know you have highs and lows, and do you want to talk about it (and then actually LISTEN), is just a really nice feeling. I don’t have many people that do that. I am also quite guarded with most people, which could be part of my problem. I’ve learned it’s easier not to get hurt or betrayed that way. I trudge through most days assuming that I am not really affecting anyone’s life but my own (which of course sends me spiraling further into despair some of those days), but that is apparently not the case.
I figure that not many people want to hear about how I feel overwhelmed at work but don’t know how or to whom to delegate things (partially because there really isn’t anyone, partially because I don’t LOVE every aspect of my job (who does, I guess) and partially because I know I need to suck it up but, well, sometimes sucking it up SUCKS). Or how that overwhelming feeling sometimes causes mental paralysis for me, because there is so much to do that I don’t even know where to start, so I end up sitting on my hands because I don’t want to open Pandora’s Box of shit on myself. Of course, inevitably my inaction creates more shitpiles. That said, I have a mental list and just in the last few days have finally started to get it down onto paper, which makes a workable plan, which enables me to start moving again.
I think I’ve been in the middle of a logjam of sorts, but it feels like things are dislodging, the ice floes are breaking up, and hopefully things will start flowing again soon. I have a number of items on my list with check marks next to them, and a number of other things I know I can complete. I have a lot of that mental list on paper and specific things assigned to specific days; deadlines created only by me at this point, but that’s how it is and needs to be.
I will say that occasionally I come here just to read my “About Me” page. I really think it sums me up pretty well, and the “I Want” section is all truth. Those are the things I want and what I strive for (when I am striving). I’m currently working toward financial security by holding myself to a budget to pay off all my debt in the next two years. It’s a slow process, but I have already seen progress and that is inspiring. Either at the start of the new year (not related to “New Year’s ReS0lutionZ!”), or once spring starts to break here, I will find somewhere to volunteer; somewhere to make a difference, however small, for someone who needs help. I understand that for the most part the things in my “I Want” list have to happen in some kind of order, so I am trying to mobilize myself, my thoughts, and my life in the direction that I Want. That way, when these opportunities and/or person(s)’ paths cross mine I will be able and ready to pick them up.
When my friend is ready to plan our 21-day hiking trip to Nepal, or work wants to send me to London, or I meet the perfect man (or realize that I already know him), or I’m debt-free with a pile of saved money and can move somewhere and do something more personally rewarding, or some other amazing things that I haven’t even thought of yet — I want to be ready to pounce.
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I’m not a Christian. I think people assume that I am because they are (like, uh, my mom, not that she’s ever identified as anything in particular during my life, but something she said within the last year or so made me realize that she thinks “we” are Christians) but I am not. My dad and I have regular conversations about spirituality and religion and higher beings and attitude and esoteric stuff, and he always has an emphasis on the Christianity and God part of it, and I always don’t.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure Jesus was a great dude. From what I know he sounded like a great guy who wanted everybody to love everybody no matter what, and especially if the person in question was less fortunate or wise than you are, and recommended that people follow common sense moral code. I’m often called a commie pinko hippie – how could I not like that?! His dad kinda sounds like he was a dick though, which would explain why everyone is so afraid of him and panders to Jesus. Even a whipped dog comes crawling back to the owner at dinner time. But I bet if that dog realized that they could get just as good or better food elsewhere, they’d high-tail it out of there without a second glance!
Anyway, I’m not here to bash organized religion, but rather to talk about where I’m at in my little journey (or maybe figure out where I’m at?). I don’t really believe in organized religion. My family was never into it, so I wasn’t raised in it, and I never really “got” it. I just remember always being alone on Tuesday evenings when the rest of the neighbor kids (all Catholic) were at Catechism. I remember Dad trying to get the family to go to church with him, and I think that occurred a grand total of two times, with all of us bitching and whining the entire time.
But somewhere along the way I’ve found a pull to a higher power of some sort. I’m drawn to nature, I’m drawn within, I’m drawn to silence, I’m drawn to the sound of the wind in the trees, the rush of flowing water, I’m even drawn to some things that we can only imagine that are no more real or fake than the stories in the Bible. I’m not saying my way is right and yours is wrong, just that it is right for me. I’m not even wholly sure what “it” is yet that is right for me.
Posted in Life, Observations | Tagged Life, Reflect | 1 Comment »
I’m not sure what my deal is lately – I’m just not motivated to do work and I’m not entirely sure why that is. Maybe just because I am totally overwhelmed, and with the traffic-cop nature of my job I am not in control of a lot of what I do now. Granted, I love unpredictability in my every day work, but there are big things coming up lately that I can do little about other than put it into someone else’s hands and commiserate with the person reporting the issue. I’m realizing how far removed I am from the work that I used to do and that is still going on all around me though my eyes are closed to it; the work I knew like the back of my hand and loved. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled to have a job, and enjoy the job that I have most of the time, and I love the people that I work with; there are just aspects of it that I wish were different, and things that I miss. I rarely feel like I know enough to help effectively problem-solve, which used to be one of my really strong points, so that is kind of frustrating too.
I also think that if I had some sort of real outlet when I left work, it would make it easier for me to balance things and be motivated. Pretty much I work, come home and hang out with my dog, play Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, watch TV, and….oh right – that’s about it. My friends are all homebodies lately, or have other plans, which is fine and I understand. They are all paired off in one way or another (most live with their signifcant other, and my one single friend has a roommate now) and there just isn’t a lot of stuff going on for people to invite me to, I guess. When I do get together with people and they start to play the “What have you been up to?” game I have little to report and feel like a tool.
I should get started on some craft projects – that will keep me busy and productive and presumably happy. I have a pattern for a hat that I want to crochet, and also a pattern for a kitchen rug. How fun! But even the craft stuff I used to do all the time loses its excitement when I have no reason to do it.
It would even be nice to have someone to talk to when I get home; to cuddle with on the couch and watch a movie; to make dinner for/with. My dog is wonderful but he is not the best conversationalist, I gotta tell you. It gets lonely sometimes.
What do I need to make me happy? I’m not entirely sure. I guess I’m still working to figure that out. I’m getting tired so I’m not going to explore that right now; it’s time for cuddling with the puppy and sleeping.
Posted in Life, Work | Tagged Life, Reflect, Work | 4 Comments »